Following are some common family or marital problems which may result when one person has a chronic pain condition:
Withdrawal from normal family activities. Many persons would rather be by themselves when they are in pain and end up isolating themselves much of the time from the rest of the family. Others refuse to join in on various family activities and outings (e.g., "you go ahead without me, I'm in too much pain today"). As a result, you may eventually assume the role of an outsider within your own family.
Alienating your family as a result of your irritability and short fuse. It is very common to take your frustrations out on those who are closest to you. If you feel frustrated and irritable because of your pain and disability, you may alienate your family through your crankiness or periodic temper outbursts. Compounding the problem is the fact that you may feel guilty afterwards. Sometimes family members feel that they have to be very careful and continually "walk on eggshells" to avoid upsetting the person in pain.
Being babied or treated like an invalid. Sometimes family members respond to the person in pain as being much more helpless or disabled than he or she actually is. If this is true for you, your family may do things for you that you are capable of doing for yourself. They also may be overprotective toward you and continually remind you to take it easy and not overdo it. Although some persons with chronic pain may enjoy the attention, many others feel annoyed when they are being babied.
The family just doesn't seem to understand what you are going through. Another common complaint is that the family expects more from you than you are capable of doing. Since they can't see your pain and perhaps can't understand why you haven't gotten better as a result of all the medical treatment, they may treat you as though you weren't as bad off as you actually feel. Even if they know that it is not your fault that you have the pain problem, it is normal for family members to feel some resentment toward you because of your disabling condition, especially if you are no longer the main bread winner or participating in family activities the way you used to. Finally, family members may experience a lot of frustration and a sense of helplessness since there is relatively little they can do to make your pain go away.
Not feeling like a real man or woman anymore. Chronic and disabling pain can interfere with many activities that have previously supported your feelings of masculinity or femininity. For example, many men with chronic pain feel like they are less of a man if they are not working and bringing home a regular paycheck. Other men feel guilty if they can't rough house or play sports with their children. Some women with chronic pain feel like they are less of a woman if they are unable to do some of the activities traditionally associated with the female role such as cooking, cleaning, and child care. Sometimes families do a "role reversal" whereby the wife goes off to work while the husband stays home and does the housework or cares for the kids. Furthermore, when disabling pain interferes with your sex life, your feelings of masculinity or femininity may be undermined as well.
The Importance of Honest and Open Communication
Most of the family problems associated with chronic pain develop gradually over a period of time. More often than not, families are reluctant to discuss these problems openly. The common fear is that bringing the problems out into the open will cause further conflict and bad feelings. However, the only way these problems can possibly be resolved, short of severing the family ties all together, is to discuss them openly and honestly.
We recommend healthy two-way communication which involves active listening. This means that it is not enough to express your thoughts and try to get others in your family to see your point of view. You must also try to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Too many families engage in guess work, mind reading, and faulty assumptions when it comes to understanding one another. True communication requires active listening as well as honest expression of your own thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes it is very helpful to set aside certain times during the day or week in which the sole purpose is to sit down and openly discuss family or marital problems and issues of mutual concern. These special family or marital communication sessions can be used as an opportunity to air differences, attain mutual understanding, and hopefully arrive at a resolution to conflicts. However, when couples or families are unable to communicate very well on their own, it may be necessary to meet with a trained counselor or some mutually agreed upon neutral party who can facilitate healthy communication and conflict resolution.