• I understand how I can become dependent in unhealthy ways -- on people, on  medications, drugs, alcohol, on organizations, on objects, on ideas.

• I am willing to release these things and regain my power and control over my life.    I rely on people and things only if they strengthen and nourish me.

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Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.

Shakti Gawain

Dependencies

It's about balance

We are inter-dependent in our families, our society.  No-one can do everything.  We rely on all kinds of people and systems and things just to exist.

Many of these dependencies are fine.  We rely on a workplace for income.  No problem here.  We are dependent on a spouse for love and caring.  That's appropriate.  What about shoes?  They keep our feet from being injured.  Let's not be independent of shoes.

There are also unhealthy dependencies.  This is when we rely on something that in the end:

• holds us back or limits us
• has too big a cost

Some of this is going to be a matter of opinion and values.  Reasonable people could disagree about what is too big a price to pay, for example.

Where dependency arises

When you live with a chronic illness or pain, you are often put into a position of relative dependency.  Doctors, agencies, employers etc. may have expertise or power that you don't have.  And to manage day to day, you may be reliant on certain things that help you out.  Have you become dependent on the following?

• A physician or other health professional
• A medication
• An insurance agency
• Family members to do things for you
• Objects such as braces, canes, heating pads
• Alcohol or other drugs
• A certain fixed idea or belief

Over dependence

Many of these things can be useful resources and are very appropriate in their place.  Can they go wrong?

• Relying only on a health professionals opinion, and not doing your own research
• Relying on a treatment and not making needed personal or life style changes
• Using a medication that has many side effects and does not help your problem much   (more here)
• Limiting one's activity in order to maintain insurance benefits
• Letting family members do for you what that you could do yourself
• Using a cane or brace beyond the prescribed time
• Alcohol or a drug to numb emotional pain
• Staying stuck on a certain limiting idea or belief, instead of being flexible and considering alternatives (e.g., "I will never be able to").

How can you tell?

• The long term side effects outweigh the benefits
• You are able to do less
• You are afraid of losing it
• You limit yourself because of it
• You give away responsibility or power
• You feel you can't cope without it

Independence

How we improve

We improve our abilities when when we challenge ourselves.  We gain confidence when we try something and succeed.  We feel strong when we make decisions for ourselves.  You can experiment with independence.  See what happens, then see how you could do it even better the next time.

Partnership, not dependency

View any objects that you need as tools.  Then ask yourself:  where is this tool useful?  Where is it unnecessary?  Is there a better tool?

The same goes for medications. View them as possibly useful tools. What is this chemical doing for me?  How is it working against me?  Is it necessary?  Is there a better one?  Is there another way to get the effect I want without taking a drug?

What about being attached to ideas and beliefs?  This is more subtle.  We can become stuck in a certain view point or belief about ourselves or our condition.  The best way I know of loosening this up is to read as widely as possible and talk to as many different people as possible.  People often just listen to what they already know and agree with. Go beyond your usual sources of information if you want to find new perspectives. 

Use things wisely

Release your dependency on things that do not make you strong or nourish you in some way.  Be sure that you are in control to the degree possible.   Most of all, be sure that you are the one making the decisions that affect your well being.  And if you are not, start taking control back.

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