There
is always inequality in life. Some men are killed in a war and some are
wounded and some men never leave the country - Life is unfair. John F. Kennedy
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Blame
 It's
easy and normal
People living with chronic pain or illness, by definition, have seen
difficult times and have not had the solutions they would have wanted. It's
normal to blame people, organizations, or systems that we feel have failed
us in times of need.
The world is an imperfect place, and there are lots of ways that things
can go wrong. When this happens, we often feel believe that things
should have gone differently. Maybe it's even true.
Being attacked, accidents that were not our fault, mistakes or not enough caring in
medical treatment, lack of help from key people, insurance systems that are
impersonal or don't provide what is wanted - there can be many targets
for blame.
There is a good side to blame. The anger that it creates can get us
moving to get what we deserve, if what we deserve is available.
It
can keep people stuck.
Although it's understandable to blame other people, it's possible for
blame to keep people stuck as well.
Blaming creates a lot of anger, and too much anger can affect the body
- increased tension, poorer sleep, and so on, which is not good for one's
health and recovery.
It also can destroy relationships over time. Bitter people don't
make good company, even if their bitterness is understandable.
Blaming other people, and making them responsible can keep people from
doing what they can and should do to help themselves.
Case example
Victim
mentality brings victim reality
It's possible to see oneself as a victim. Bad things happened.
They were not my fault. I'm innocent and not to blame. Someone
should do something to help me.
Even if this is all true, doing this puts one in a helpless position.
It's not one's fault, so it's also not one's responsibility to improve
things, right. The problem is that sometimes, fault or not, we are the
only ones who can fix something.
 The
word "Should" can cue you that you may be blaming. There is
always judgment involved in "should'. And it is often a matter of
opinion, not fact. |
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Responsibility & forgiveness
Why
be forgiving?
We forgive others not for their sake, but for our own. When we let go
of blame and bitterness, we feel better. Afterward, we usually say to
ourselves, "Why did I hang on to that for so long?" Blaming keeps
things the same. Forgiving helps us to change and find peace of mind.
Releasing grievances frees up the energy needed to create the future we
want.
A Survivor's Psalm
I have been victimized.
I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.
I did not ask for the fight. I LOST!
There is no shame in losing such fights, only in winning.
I have reached the
stage of survivor and am no longer a slave of victim status.
I look back with sadness rather then with hate.
I look forward with hope rather than with despair.
I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember
Frank Ochberg, MD
Taking
responsibility
This seems to help: accept whatever help is available, and then get on
and do what you must for yourself. Even if you are not to blame for
your condition, you are in a unique position to cope with it. In fact,
no one can do it for you. Only you can build your strength. Only
you can learn to relax. Only you can come to terms with what has
happened to you. It seems unfair, and sometimes it is. But this
is reality. If you don't do what needs to be done, who will do it for
you? There is so much power in taking responsibility, and so much
satisfaction when things work out.
Accountability
It is still possible to hold people accountable for having wronged you.
There may be compensation owing, for example. If there was wrongdoing, there
may be justice through a legal process. You should try to get what you are
entitled to. It is possible to let go of the blame in the meantime.
Not making it a career
It is usually helpful to give these kinds of processes only as much
energy as they absolutely need. I have seen many sad and angry people
putting too much time into creating a case against someone. I have seen
others who have decided that they will get on with their own lives.
People in the second group seem to have a better quality of life. They
sometimes get more help too, ironically. Other people want to help
them, because it is obvious that they are really trying to help themselves.
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Resolution 6: Responsibility vs. blame