• I build and heal my relationships with others.

• Where I have made mistakes with others in my
  efforts to live with my condition, I am ready to seek new and
  even better relationships with them.

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Your condition affects those around you

Ripples in a pond

When a rock is tossed into a pond, the ripples spread over the surface of the entire pond.  Everything is moved.  In the same way, when a member of a family or group develops a chronic illness or pain, things are different for everyone to some degree.  Everyone's quality of life can be affected.

Case example

Change in roles.

One of the biggest changes that takes place in when people have to take on new roles, jobs, or tasks.  This can involve practical changes, like a partner having to do the heavy housework or yardwork now, or get a job.  It can also involve deeper changes in responsibility.

 For example, one person in a couple may have always have been the one who makes most of the money, and makes the big decisions.  If this person is not able to do this anymore, the other will have to take up the new challenge. 

This can be hard for everyone.  Often the person who can't provide as much or as well feels useless or less valuable.  The person who has to take on the new role may feel burdened.

There can be bonuses for this as well.  For example, some people say that they now have time to spend with their children and family since their problem started.  Spouses sometimes find that they are good at things they had never expected, which is a pleasant surprise.

Common problems

There are a number of common problems, signs that show that a couple or a family is having trouble adjusting to the change in health of one member:

Patient's:

Partner's:

However, there are a number of skills and choices that people can make to turn this all around.  See 10 Resolutions for Family Members if you are a family member of someone with chronic pain or illness.

Surprising solutions?

Clear communication

Feelings

The changes need to be talked about.  Feelings need to be expressed.  If everyone has been affected by a problem, everyone has some right to talk about it and to express what it is like for them.  If people don't talk about their feelings, they often have to act them out.  This can be confusing or disturbing for others.

It is important that the discussion of feelings is done in a way that is respectful and responsible.  See the People Skills sections of the site for more.

Needs

Similarly, there needs to be good communication about what each person needs.  "I need some time alone" would be more clear and effective than being angry or withdrawn, for example.  "I need some help" would work better than "You don't care" or struggling alone.  "I need some reassurance" is more clear than "You never tell me you love me" and less likely to create conflict or guilt.  Tell others what you need, and keep it simple and clear.  And don't expect that you will always get it when and how you want.

Maintaining balance

In a partnership, both people have needs.  When one person is struggling with chronic pain or illness, it is easy for a couple to lose the balance, and to focus on the needs of the sick person.  Paradoxically, some people with chronic pain seem to have the opposite problem; that other people's needs come before their own.  This can end up creating more symptoms as they drain their limited resources.  Maintain a balanced approach.  Have respect for the needs of everyone.  This maintains a relationship through the difficult times.

Respecting boundaries

 Boundaries define your personal space, your possessions, your ideas and feelings, and your needs, from other people's.  When people cross your boundary, they interfere with your personal space, ideas, feelings, things, etc.  When you cross other people's, it's the same.  You have the right to your own personal space, ideas, self-expression, and so do other people.  Understanding this simple principle prevents a great deal of needless conflict and bad feeling. 

To make others feel bad, take their things, not let them talk, tell them they should not feel a certain way, invade their privacy, or touch them when they don't want it, are all examples of crossing their boundaries.

When you let others do this to you, it's called being passive, or a doormat.  When you do it to others, it's called being aggressive, invasive, controlling, or a bully. 

Avoid both styles.  They both create problems in relationships. Don't cross other people's boundaries without consent, and don't let them cross yours without your permission. 

See Conflict Resolution skills and Assertiveness skills for more.

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