• I forgive myself for having had difficulties.

• I recognize that I am human, and have human limitations like everyone. I accept that I am imperfect, and can fail even with the best intentions. I choose to develop the skills I need to deal with my condition and help myself live as well as I can.

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Don't be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.

John Keats (1795 - 1821).

You are human? No kidding!

It is hard.

You are dealing with a problem that anyone would find difficult. This has been my experience with hundreds of people with chronic pain.  If it were easy, you would have already found solutions, and would not be looking here.  There are real challenges in learning to deal with chronic pain or illness.  For many people, it has been the most challenging thing in their life so far.  Have compassion for yourself.

It's not a straightforward process.

Learning to make life changes is often not something that you can plan out clearly, with set goals and timelines.  Sometimes the situations you are dealing with are not clear - for example,  will this condition go away or not?   Adapting is also not something you can do in your head, intellectually.  Most people have to feel their way along as they go. 

Therefore, you may not be able to make clear decision all the time, or plan as much as you want to.  In this process, mistakes are made.  Learn from them, but don't regret them.  Most importantly, don't waste energy and time on self-criticism.

The myth of "if I just tried harder"

Many people suspect deep down that if they could just try harder, they would no longer be ill.  Or at least, that they would function better.  They think that they have not "beat" the condition because they are not ...strong enough...smart enough...spiritual enough...determined enough... take your pick.  They are sick and find this hard to deal with, and take both the condition and the difficulty as evidence that there is something wrong with their character.

I suspect instead that a common failure is actually trying too hard - though maybe at the wrong things.  Sometimes people need to learn to try less hard at the strategies that don't apply well in this situation - even if they were useful before.  Then they can free themselves up to try a new approach. 

Example:

An example of this is the "Overdo-it and crash" cycle.  When your energy or strength is low, things don't get done.  Then comes a good day.  Forgetting principles of energy conservation, you work hard and get a lot done.  A crash follows, when energy and strength are low.  Things don't get done, and the vicious cycle continues.  Clearly, just working harder is not always the answer.  Working smarter may be.

Who is perfect?

Adapt expectations to the current reality

It is known that many people with chronic pain are quite perfectionistic.  As a group, they tend to be the high-achievers.

This means that they will be more self-critical than other people in general.  The problem is made worse by the fact that their limitations make it more difficult for them to accomplish things. 

When things don't work out as you want, this is not necessarily a sign of failure or inadequacy.  It might mean instead that the task was too big for one person.  Doing your best means doing what you could at that time.  It is pointless to compare your ability now to your ability before.  But I have heard many people feeling guilty or inadequate, saying "But before I got hurt I could that, no problem". 

If you want to give 100%, then do so.   But remember that you always give 100% of what you have now, not at some other time in the past or future.

Compassion and forgiveness

Compassion for self as a person with limitations, and forgiveness for oneself for making mistakes are crucial. 

You are a human being, and have always had human limitations.  You made mistakes.  Hopefully you eventually learned from these.  You did not always think ahead, or make the right decision, or say what you meant, or say it right.  You did not always give others what they needed, and did not always give yourself what you needed.  Sometimes you gave up too soon; other times you stuck with it way too long.  Get the picture?  Sound human to you?

The sooner you can accept yourself the way you actually are, the sooner you will find peace of mind and heart.  The sooner you accept yourself the way you actually are, the sooner you can compassionately make changes. 

Self-judgment often creates a toxic sense of failure.  A sense of failure erodes the energy and will needed to live effectively with a chronic condition.  It leads to more complications, like tension, depression, or over-doing things. 

Compassion and forgiveness are healing.   Ask yourself the following:

If I saw someone else struggling the way I have, would I be as critical? Would I have more compassion?

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